thoughts from the depths of my deluded mind

[officially at this moment...i will be typing whatever i have in mind..regardless of what people may think of me...these would be my rare moments of honesty]

not to sound conceited but just to state an honest truth that somewhere at the back of my mind.... i know that i'll be able to reach my present goals....to get good grades...to graduate...and work as a chef...basically just to be able to earn for myself independently...

with little effort...just by following whatever people say to me....

then i suddenly i feel a piercing pain through my body.....will i just flow through without effort? in reality, i feel no drive at all. i just do whatever people tell me to. do it right and get it done right.

im so bored with my life. can i just die now? oh..wait that would actually need my effort...to die...would it even matter at all?

all i have are acquaintances in school...i actually tried to make an effort to be close friends with some....it just doesnt really work...i am a child with "virgin" ears. whatever they said....its annoying when i try to mentally grow up to their level of thinking....sometimes i understand...sometimes i dont...to ask with would be an ignorant thing to do....not to ask would even be more stupid....sex is the daily topic....culinary itinerary would be the daily worry...and the hateful faculty staff would always be there.

everything is so monotonous....its so predictable already.....

maybe im just having mood swings coz i might have my period soon...??? maybe...who knows, hormones are always a mysterious wonder....right now...i just feel like ranting on to whatever i have in mind....

like this for instance....is virginity still a sacred chastity that must be protected? O__o not to scare the religious devotees...just stating a random question....from my daily conversations from people in school...it doesnt really matter anymore..."im still virgin emotionally, not just physically" yea right...the importance of it...for whatever reason it is important for...doesnt matter anymore...

what was i talking about again?? oh...who cares! i'll just keep ranting on right now....i feel so frustrated...with everything....and i dont know why...hey!! maybe it is hormones!!! or maybe im just crazy....

like miren said..."i need a vice"...does porn count? ahahahahaha!! why deny the truth? im sooo going to hell now... maybe im high...well...i havent drank anything....yet....

if i was purely honest to whatever i think and say....would my friends still be my friends?? i feel like everything im doing is a facade....if i put myself outright "raw"...would anyone care to come near me? why am i even putting a facade in the first place?

what the hell is wrong with me?! better to just kill myself than say anything unwanted....