i want to cry....but no tears are falling....

today in school....i felt like the floor was suddenly pulled from under me and i was falling down unto an endless ravine...

i was informed by one of my classmates during break time that a relatively large group in the class doesnt like me....for reasons that i act like i want to work everything on my own....

first of all...i never wanted to do everything on my own....its tiring to do a job alone...but im always in a situation where im left with no choice but to do it myself...in most cases in the kitchen whenever the Chef would ask for something my classmates would just stand idle and whisper to each other what the Chef needs and not actually get it...so in turn, i'd just get it myself...

second...its second nature for me already to act on impulse...whenever Chef Mike/Uli/Manoj/whoever demands to do something...i'd jump to it right away....

third....i always welcome whatever help may come and accept constructive criticisms seriously...im not in a culinary school to show off or whatever....im there to learn and study...and im serious about it....if somebody has a problem with me...i'd appreciate it if that somebody would tell it to my face...that way we can fix things together and work things out for the better...

being in the kitchen is no joke...aside from the hard tasks given...pressure is added every minute...plus team work is really important....working in the kitchen was never a one-man team to begin with....

after the break...we went back to the kitchen...i couldnt immediatly work smoothly as i did before...knowing the prior information given to me...i hesitated now...every movement...i wasnt sure of what was i suppose to do already....in other words, i was scared....

this is really hard on me...i dont know how to deal with this...its not like these people are as the same age as me...they are older than me...

[and yet on some thought...they could act a little less my age]

but still, fact remains...they dont like me...they're older....and yes...i am intimidated now...

i cant let this get to me....im working so hard...i dont want to waste anymore time on this anymore.....i'll just try again tomorrow and work things out....hopefully...