frustrated

they make it hard for me to say what i want...they ask what i want but its not like it can be easily acquired by a wave of a magic wand! i know its expensive that's why i've changed my mind already. then they make up this whole jealousy sibling thing!! my god....who would be jealous over my older sister?! im just thinking about them in the first place!! the repercussion of the actions that are being made now will happen when i leave already...so its not like its an easy thing..i tell them i'll just get it in the future with my own money...then they fret up!! what the hell is wrong with them?! im already trying to alleviate the stress by not adding more to the costs of everything......its all about the money!!! everything!!! i know these are tough times already that's why!! that's why!! i dont want that stupid lap top anymore!! seeing you guys kill yourselves over the money for it is just heart breaking!!! so enough....just stop it....please.......i want to leave already.....now....i love them to death...but its too much already...i want my own space...

i havent blogged anything in the longest time....but i feel its about time i go back to blogging.....going to Miren or Keight isnt exactly an easy choice for me right now...they have enough things to worry about, combined even! anyways...

im losing grip of myself lately.....i feel so unfulfilled and unsatisfied....im always thinking about getting away from here....moving out to a different country....running away from everything....if this is how it feels when one is thrown in the real world...i just hope to find some reassurance and answers to these random thoughts...its just when i think back to it, back in grade school i easily know im going to end up in high school. then when i was in highschool i know i was going to end up in a culinary school....and when i was in culinary school all i know was that i was going to start working after that.....now that im working.......................i dont know...........what's going on? why's it like this? i feel like i cant see where im going anymore except if i move out the country...........the road has always been bright for me....but now, things are hazy and uncertain..........

changes...

wow...i havent written anything here for a long time now...i wonder if anybody still reads this....either way, i still like writing my thoughts here whether people are reading it or not.

aside from graduating this coming saturday...a lot of other things have happened to me already...for such a short period of time actually...

i got drunk for the first time yesterday. Miren and I finished a bottle of tequila on our own! it was a funny experience for me....but its a night that won't be easily forgotten through alcohol alone.

then earlier today, after the parish involvement of my little sister, Mica...i received a call from Mary (my friend from ISCAHM, whom i was suppose to meet up tomorrow)..*i was driving at the moment she called me* she called to inform me that she cant make it tomorrow coz her girlfriend wants to go on a date! yes, her girlfriend....i was totally thrown off by that! coz i didnt realize that Mary's gay...I mean i kinda got the vibe but wasnt really sure since she was really femmenine, thin and has long hair. so after learning something we have in common, i just started sharing my own life to her while i was driving. then after the phone call...i realized and just remembered...that my little sister, Mica was with me through the whole conversation. i dont know why i wasnt able to shut my mouth during that conversation. momentarily lapse of decision making? or an urge to actually come out? whatever it was...i cant take back what ive said. so i told Mica the truth of who I really am. and as usual, i started crying while i told her my story. i dont know if she understands or even care...but i know i can trust her not to tell anybody. i know her well enough for that alone. i explained to Mica that its alright if she wants to talk about it,its alright if she wants to ask me something or to just tell me anything....because in this family of mine, i noticed...nobody actually say anything about what they really feel or what they think of whatever. serious matters that are obviously happening right infront of my eyes are left unspoken and not explained. its like, suddenly i just found out not from my parents but from my cousin...that my uncle has left my aunt for another woman! i know its not really my business...but still, i wondered what happened to uncle Alex...and another incident was when my brother's wife suddenly left him! His wife didnt come back for days....and then after a week she's suddenly back...i know its none of my business...but i dont like this...its like nothing is explained...matters are left unspoken...

im so afraid of coming out to my parents...but like Miren told me...the day i come out to my parents is sooner than i actually expect it to be after this....it cant wait anymore....after graduating...the hope of getting a job in abroad is still uncertain...and i really do pray i get it so i can get out of here....because i feel that when i come out to my parents...things will change for the worse...to make things easier, it'll be better if i wasnt around, wouldnt it? or am i just runnning away? i dont know anymore...i dont know what i should think about...im pathetic....

my september schedule

check out my multiply site for lotsa a pictures!! www.apprenticechef.multiply.com

and also to see my schedule for sept...here's a link to my calendar of events: http://apprenticechef.multiply.com/calendar/2007/9

fuck-off!!!

i had a fucking piss-off day at school today....first of all...i wasnt able to have a decent sleep (dont know why)...then when i was able to finally sleep my mum barges in my room and reminds me i have to drive my sister to work today. there goes my "rest". when i finally drove my sister to her office, i got caught in traffic on my way back! i got home 10am already...and i still havent had breakfast nor have i taken a bath! so i did everything in a rush just to get ready for school coz if i didnt leave by 11am...i'll be caught in traffic again then i'll be late...aftewards, in school, we had chef pauline as our lecturer of the day. something that made my day a bit brighter...but my idiotic classmates just had to open their foul-mouths!! chef pauline was saying that she wouldn't want to see my batch again next year (if anyone would fail the finals)...then a bald-headed-no-decency idoitic man just had to yell out "Ma'am...anna wouldn't mind staying till next year!" now, its not only my section that's in the room...there's TWO sections in one room at that moment. i didnt flinch nor looked at anybody. but my head was screaming out loud! then to add to that, we had a little quiz for review...we were asked one by one to answer a question...when it came to my turn...someone just had to make that "yihee" sound. i wanted to chop his head off when i heard it! you know, im a nice girl. ive never fought back nor paid any attention to their teasing to me before. but have some decency man! think about what you say! if you say its a joke...then you dont know how to kid! coz im not laughing. i have every right to be mad!!! ive never wanted to hit/slap/kick somebody sooo bad till that moment!!! you guys are sooo dead tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! thank God im a lesbian...i dont have to deal with the idiotic male species!

blogging as we know it...

ever since i could remember i always have a notebook where i write down all my thoughts or things that have happened to me...some call it a diary, others call it a journal. either way, it was a very handy tool for me to just randomly write what i had in mind, whether it be silly or down right depressingly serious. i never could fill up one notebook and yet i have accumulated alot of it already. its either i fancied other notebooks for its neat and cool design or i filled up the old one with random doodles instead of writings. =3

after awhile, i learned that i can just type what i had in mind into a computer and even have it publish in the net. thus, the birth of my blogging habits! blogging has its perks...

• for one thing: i dont need to write plus its actually readable! (for people who've seen my hand-writting, only the gifted can actually understand my hand-writting! lol.)
  
• second: its easy to edit my entries with a click of a button, no mess, no fuss.
  
• third: i get to share my thoughts with other people out there! compared to my old notebook where i had to bring it around and pick the right "moment" to let some people see it; a blog is so much easier. i just type, publish in the net and just come back to it when i feel like it to check if someone left a comment.
  
• fourth: it has become a means of communication for me to my friends whom i havent seen for so long already. just to keep each other updated! ^_^

although, blogging does have its down sides...

• no power, no laptop
  
• no connection, no internet
  
• not exactly the most private place to hide deep "dark secrets" although, ive hardly hidden anything whenever i write in my blog. its always better when everythings OUT there! ;-P
  

now the evolution of blogging has arrived to my fingertips!! *bwahahaha* i used my brother's old Eye Toy (the camera gadget used for ps2), hacked it to make it compatible for my laptop and turned it into a webcam! i suddenly have this great resolution webcam for free!!! so ingenious! =D

now we have the term video-blogging or shorten as "vlog". its really cool!!! well...im having fun with it. all i have to do is just talk whatever infront of the camera and then just upload to the net and that's it! then after 2 vlogs...i came back to writing to my old blog with these thoughts in mind....

expressing my honest thoughts to friends and a world of strangers as well gets easier and easier with each addition of technology....making me more "lazier" than i already am...i started out first with writing, then i moved to typing...then now i just talk infront of a camera! ;-P

in anycase, whether it be in hand-writting, type-written or verbally spoken, i like to be heard and to be understood with these thoughts of mine. i like to be known in my own little egoistic world! not to be misjudged or taken lightly, but just to have something to share or talk about and somehow have these random musings marinated in one's thought! ^__~

my first vlog: 

my second vlog:

the sky isnt the only thing that's gray

wow...its been awhile since i posted anything...oh well...no classes today, so might as well write something and maybe i'll finally upload pics later on...anyways...

lately, i feel so out of sync....whenever im alone i suddenly feel this huge depression creeping up inside me. so as much as possible i find someone to hang out with these days. thank goodness blueberry carpools with me to school and back! i need to keep myself sane somehow. having some company around keeps me from thinking about certain issues i dodge so often...too many issues to handle and so little time....i feel crushed...or rather i feel like im drowning...demmet! stupid teenage angst! must be the weather....yea...the gloomy weather must be pulling down my spirits...

in other things....im looking forward this weekend coz i'll be doing my first catering job for Evie's grandmother's bday!! my school barkada are coming over to help me out or they might be just coming over to play and hang out! ahaha! either way, i predict its going to be one crazy and fun day!!!! wish me luck!!!

Ratatouille

Ratatouille = a classical French vegetable stew that's tomato based.

We made that in school sooo many times already and when we found out that a movie was made with the same title...immediatly after exams my classmates and i, still wearing our uniforms, went to gateway and watched it!

The movie was basically about a rat who has an appreciation for GOOD food and aspired to be a chef but, unfortunately, he's a rat and pests arent allowed in the kitchen. Then comes in Linguini (funny name...for a pasta and a character), a newly hired garbage boy who can't cook to save his job. So together they worked out a system that would benefit each other.

It was sooo much fun to watch!!! (especially with my classmates) highly recommended for anyone who loves food!! i like to point out though that rosemary, oregano and such aren't spices...those are herbs which was a mistake in the movie...but oh well!! i love it! we even saw resemblances of our chefs in the movie...Linguini looks like Chef Hans...Colette looks like Chef Pauline...the father of the Rat acts like Chef Mike...and so forth and so on! =D

i especially love a line they said in the movie.. "Anyone can cook but only the brave can be great!" =3

how does one write a love letter?

well...im graduating soon...and i dont want to leave without saying anything to her..but considering my classmates knowing about my infatuation over her..i decided to take a discreet approach which would be a letter...in all honesty, i really do want to say it personally...but with everything as a consequence plus scandal...might as well take a quiet approach to it...i know its a losing battle but i still want to do it coz....i dont know...i just really want her to know..that's it, i suppose...

honesty is my best policy

on my way home today, my classmate, Blueberry, hitched a ride with me....we were in C-5 and i was just following the jeep infront of me not realizing that the stop light went red already. unfortunately for me and the jeep infront of me there was an MMDA officer on guard...i politely followed the officer to the side of the curb and did the usual routine of showing my liscence and registration...afterwards Blueberry was telling me i should make up an excuse and just slip-in a hundred peso bill...first thing, im such a bad liar...the worst one can ever find! second i just couldn't knowing i obviously broke the rules. so when the officer came back Blueberry did all the talking (she made herself look pitiful) and slipped him a hundred peso bill underneath my liscence. and we were let go, just like that! i dont know why i found it such a hard task to lie...and let me tell you considering my *huge* preference secret in my family...i haven't been exactly lying to them...i just havent told them, that's it.

anyways, ive got homework to do now...so later then! ^__~